Nerves of Aluminum Foil

Problem:

I'm in a rut.

Solution:

Throw myself out there, and see if anybody can help me get to the next level.  "Anybody" meaning: grad schools, (television) studio fellowships, (book) agents.

So Far:

I turned in my NBC fellowship application on Tuesday, and my ABC/Disney (the biggie-- this is the fellowship that pays, and it's a year long, instead of ten weeks) application yesterday.

My goal was to stick to a deadline and complete/polish my first professional style television script (including brads and card stock and 50 pages of other people's characters talking and acting in ways that makes sense for them AND are interesting to me).  

I'm very proud of myself for doing it, and celebrated last night.  In some ways sending in an application may seem like a small victory, but I think making a goal and achieving it is DEFINITELY worth celebrating :D

My reasons for making this particular goal were:

1.  "Going to Pages"- induced paralysis had set in.  The professional stakes seemed high, and every perfectionist button in my brain was pushed.  But if I didn't apply, I'd have no shot of getting in, and no experience writing television scripts.  So, I decided my goal was: get it done!

I'd been freezing up on my personal statements/autobiography, too, trying to think of this or that *perfect* angle.  But then I realized-- this is art, and an artist's greatest tool is her humanity.  I decided to just be myself-- totally and absolutely myself-- in the essays.

There are a lot of things wrong with me: I'm raw, and young, and still working on the "professional" thing.  BUT, there are a lot of things *right* with me, too: I'm raw, and young, and  happy to experiment, work hard, and learn.  I decided to put myself-- warts AND halo-- out there, and let the fellowship committees decide if I'm right for them.  

2.  Which they would do anyway.  Because: I can't control getting in, and obsessing over things one can't control is the path to brittleness and breakdown.  So, I decided that once the packet left my hands, it was no longer my problem.  If good things come of it being out in the world, all the better-- but in this case, the *journey* was the important part. 

Sure, I can't stop re-thinking everything.  Why are my statements of interest and autobiography so chatty?  Did I explain X plot development enough?  Even though Disney claims they want serialized shows to be current as of July 1, which for me meant up to the season 3 finale..... what if I should have included a "Previously on..." (like Warner Brothers wants)?  

The thing is-- my goal is complete!  The stakes and my control over the outcome are both at zero by now.  I'm going to put the script away for a week, and go back to it in time to send it off for Warner Brothers, hopefully even stronger.  But I'm not going to get down on myself, I'm not going to worry, I'm going to push every negative thought out of my brain, because

I ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL!!!!! :D  

Which just makes me more confident I can accomplish the next one, too. 

Next Step:

This month, I'm going to send query letters out to agents.  Yes, maybe not a single agent will want to represent me.  Yes, maybe I'll lose the chance to publish this book, despite loving it/slaving away at it.  BUT, once again-- if I don't query agents, I have no chance of publishing.  And if not query now, when?  I'm still polishing, but the re-writing is done, and the story/characters have been set in stone for a while.  

My goals this month are: query 50 agents/get an agent (whichever comes first :D), start another novel I have a fantastic idea for, apply to the Warner Brothers fellowship, and study for the GRE.  

All those goals are within *my* power, and all of those goals will help me feel that even if I'm not climbing out of my rut completely, I'll at least be digging footholds in the walls.